Sorry, I couldn’t think of a better title.
I don’t judge if somebody does this and so equally I don’t expect others to judge me. I know that self-harm has harm in the title, I’m not stupid. But, equally I know that for me it can be a release, a way of letting out the extreme anger or feelings that I can’t let out any other way. Other times I need to feel real and that I’m here. Sometimes it becomes a methodical process and it’s not until I’m done that I notice what I’ve done. I’ve done this since I was 10, so I ‘know’ what I’m doing so to speak.
I know that healthcare providers and doctors have a duty of care and I know that they need to make sure I don’t come to harm. But surely there have to be less patronising or annoying ways of going about things. My most recent example was being asked if as the warmer weather approached I would feel reluctant revealing my arms on a beach. What? That’s you line? Seriously?
Firstly I am angry because it feels to me that I should look a certain way as a woman and that my scars don’t conform to that. Secondly I’m annoyed at the line of suggestion! That my worth is tied up in the way others will see me. My scars might be ugly but they also show me that I’m still here that despite the ugliness I’m here. Taking each day at a time. Maybe they do look unpleasant, but if you’re the sort of person who would need to comment maybe I don’t care about you. Maybe I don’t care if you’re judging me as I shower at the swimming pool, you haven’t been in my skin or my head so you don’t get to tell me how to drive my body.
The elastic band, ice-cube, punch a pillow, red pen, shout, run, music, scream. Shall I keep going with the number of suggestions given to people who self-harm. I have heard them from every single person I have ever seen about my mental health. Always the same options. Always the same disappointment when they don’t work or you lapse. The same questions, the same face. If I could solve it I would have, but little tips and tricks haven’t worked for me. I need my head to agree before I can make the change. I know I can do it, as whole months have passed before. But, what I need right now is not your elastic band but your understanding that it’s my head I need to get the space for and then this too will fall into place.
Everything lives in my head. My order, my anger, my fear, my rage, my happiness, my BPD, my OCPD, my depression, my happiness, my anxiety, my OCD. My head. That’s a lot to hold in, so maybe cut me some slack.
Through the eyes of BPD 